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Fall Into Place or Pieces

by John Cozz

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1.
Hello, My name is John and I would like to welcome you to the inside of my brain because some people think that I'm insane. While others think that I'm funny and cool which i find hard to believe because I can barley handle going to school. Anyway I'm glad you're here it's nice to have people listen to me bitch about drinking too much beer and living life year after year and not knowing what I'm doing. Anyway they say you're a product of your environment right? well what if I'm surrounded by professionals by day and alcoholics by night? Where does that put me? I guess one of the worst people alive? That's how I see myself I can't really lie. I know, I know drug addicts and felons, but I also know doctors and lawyers and others going into those professions. So this, this right here is my confession I think I'm the worst human alive but that's up to your discretion. Anyway lets get on with it here it goes....
2.
I'm transparent, I'm transparent. When I'm driving in my car racing down this highway on my way to Newark and I'm singing I'm singing along to another one of your fucking songs. I'm speeding past the dealers as they transport all the heroin as they transport all the heroin as they transport all the heroin!!!! "What am I doing? What's the point of going to school? What's the point of working? What's the point of pleasing people? I don't get it, who am i pleasing? What am I trying to do? Who am I trying to be? Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I putting myself through this endless torture of going to school and I don't even know if I'm going to get a job? What if you don't like the job that you get? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO WITH MY LIFE! WHY AM I DOING THIS! WHY AM I DOING THIS! WHY AM I DOING THIS! I don't know I don't have the answers, I'll just keep doing this until something else happens. Well maybe something else will happen but what if nothing ever does? What if i just working in a fucking office for the rest of my fucking life and I become a miserable piece of shit like everyone else I know? What if I stay at home forever? What if I never meet anybody? What If I never have a family? What if I fucking do this? At least I could look out at the river and think about my grandmother and how she used to swim in it and how we fucked it up. Then I question my whole life then I question my whole life. As I exit off the highway and i travel through the slums I look at all the people and I'm not far from being one of them. I can't help but think, no i can't help but think. When I'm driving I'm driving I'm driving on 21.
3.
The strange things inside of me can no longer be accompanied by self pity and alarming obsessions. I don't know what I'm forgetting to mention? Should I get a coffee or just stay in bed and rest my tired fragile little head cuz there's a hole in it so I'll let you. We can waste the day and just swim in it inside my brain. Inside my brain where you'll probably think that I'm insane. What a mistake I made why did I agree I should have never let you inside of me because now you'll see this debauchery of the things that I call my thoughts. To my surprise you thought them too so I guess that's why I was into you. The strange things inside of me can no longer be accompanied by self pity and alarming obsessions. I don't know what I'm forgetting to mention? Should I get a coffee or just stay in bed and rest my tired fragile little head cuz there's a hole in it, there's a hole in it we can waste the day lets waste the day lets waste the daaaaaayyyyayyyy.
4.
Woke up still fucked up, I had class at 8. It's a short commute to my college but I guess I'm gonna be late. Graduate I gotta graduate I gotta get a job and I can't stay up late. It's what I tell, tell myself everyday. So I'm still dreamin, I'm still alive and I try to live my life one day at a time and i hope one day it'll all be fine. Like I said I woke up still drunk, tried to go to school. I didn't make it that far cuz I threw up in my car. This hangover got the best of me and I just wish I could live free.
5.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time Others I feel like I'm wasting my mind I don't even know what to do because I can't seem to finish up with school. I can't even put this bottle down I've been thinking that I can't even stop myself, stop myself from drinking. I can't even wake up in the morning alright but it's ok because I can't fall asleep at night. My car is a mess, it's a reflection of me. It get's me from where I was to where I need to be. Sometimes I don't know where that is but it's ok because this world will show me the way.
6.
I was hanging out with some friends in Brooklyn One friend in particular and I we were hanging out off to the side. It might of been, I'm pretty sure it was the 4th of July. That's when he told me that he wanted to die. This came to me as a surprise, I couldn't believe the truth. But there he was sobbing on the edge of the roof. Now this friend in particular is the greatest guy I know. I'm not just saying that I really do think so. It broke my heart as he told me in tears that this how he felt and it had been this way for years. How can someone so amazing think they are this bad. Writing in my notebook brought this revelation I had. There are nights where I lie awake in bed and I curse the world wishing I were dead. I think that self loathing is the root of human nature so look at your friends and family. You better make sure that you tell them they're awesome all the time because I'm sure they're awesome all the time. and I'm sure you're awesome all the time.
7.
I've fantasized about you since I was a kid, growing older and looking back on what we did. (da da da da da da da da) Like I said I thought about you everyday I'd draw your face on the shower till the steam took you away (da da da da da da) But I'll never have you because I'm too down on myself but if I had the chance to i'd buy you gas station roses, Keep you the closest to my everchanging heart. (annoying whistle) But I'll never have you because you deserve the best and I'm just a little birdie who's the scared to leave his nest.
8.
Me and my friends are at the bar again. It's a quarter to three, and we're still chasin shots of whiskey with two dollar beers. You know every weekend you can, find me. I can't shake off this lifestyle this shit is getting old. I get calls from my friends and I can't seem to say no I'll rationalize it by saying that I'm going for just one round. before I know it's last call and I'm stumbling to the ground. I'm sick of going out and blacking out and waking and throwing up. I feel like shit it's time to quit aaah fuck it's Thursday night I'm sick of getting drunk I'm in a funk I don't know what to do I feel like shit it's time to quit aah fuck it's Friday night I'm sick of giving up and caving in it's one more drink till I get the spins I feel like shit it's time to quit and FUCK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT
9.
Winter Beers 02:43
I lived for those winter nights where we'd sit in my car and appreciate the moonlight. We always drank coffee and we always sipped it slow because neither of us ever wanted to go. That winter really sucked it was just you and me and now I couldn't be anymore happy because you are my best friend and at times it can be hard but long islands only an hour if I take my car. The coffee turned to tall boys and our cars became our feet. The winter nights keep coming as we roam around these streets. The beers will keep us warm and we'll never have to sleep because you are my best friend and I'll love you till I die.

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released December 20, 2015

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John Cozz Nutley, New Jersey

New Jersey Fast Food enthusiast

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